February 14th-Valentine’s Day. A time to reconnect with our significant others and to express our undying “L-0-V -E.” The romantic notion of love is very hypnotic, but statistics show that one in every two marriages ends in divorce in the U.S.A. (At a recent conference I attended, a long-time family judge noted that the divorce rate in Harris County has exceeded 60% ).
These hard facts are scary enough to make therapists and couples alike rethink how people can stay together in rewarding, fulfilling, and “loving” relationships. The results of a long-term study of married couples by Dr. Ted Huston of the University of Texas at Austin provides valuable new insight on whether a young married couple will stay together and whether they will be happy. (Psychology Today: January/February 2000, “Will Your Marriage Last?”; p. 58). One of the most valuable conclusions of Dr. Huston ‘s research was that loss of initial levels of love and affection, rather than conflict, is the most salient predictor of distress and divorce. So, no matter how many conflict resolution skills a couple learns, if they don’t maintain a high degree of emotional intimacy and attachment, they may not be able to stay together. “The dominant approach has been to work with couples to
resolve conflict,” says Dr. Huston, “but it should focus on preserving positive feelings. That’ s a very important take-home lesson.”
This fading love and affection is typically referred to as disillusionment and makes people less willing and motivated to compromise and find ways to work through areas of conflict and disagreement. So how can couples feel loving and affectionate even if it is unrealistic to maintain initial levels of infatuation and “gaga”? It seems the best answer may be in indirect behavior modification rather than direct conflict resolution training. Research has consistently proven that humans can change their emotional state by changing their behavior. This is sometimes called the “Fake it till you make it” approach. Dr. Huston ‘s research indicates that partners who establish positive patterns of behavior early and maintain them over time, thereby establishing stability in their relationship, are much more likely to stay together for the longterm.
I recently found a secret weapon couples should try to modify their behavior. and ultimately the way they feel about one another. Known as the Art of Spooning. this simple holding technique allows couples to feel better and nurtured just like a crying baby. (Source: Shortcuts to Bliss: The SO Best Ways to Improve Relationships, Connect with Spirit and Make Your Dreams Come True. Jonathan Robinson: pp. 72-76: Conari Press: 1998). Spooning is the way in which many couples sleep. It consists of having one person’s front side hugging the other person’s back side. Spooning usually occurs lying down, but it can also be done standing up.
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The Art of Spooning has two simple steps. First, at the earliest sign of upset. and certainly before things get totally out-of-hand, lie down with your partner in a spooning position. Secondly, while in the spooning position. breathe in unison with your mate. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least 4 minutes. DON’T SAY ANYTHING!! ! Just focus on breathing in unison .
No matter how upset you are at the beginning of this simple behavior modification. you will find yourself quickly calming down and feeling differently about your mate. When you share energy in this way. feelings of safety and connection are created at a very deep level. Your minds may still be storming, but your bodies. souls. and ultimately your hearts can’t help but connect.
Once you are done spooning, you have a couple of options. You can go about your business. or if things still need to be worked out. you’ll be in a much better frame of mind to try. Why not make an agreement that either partner may ask for a ”spooning” session if you feel like tempers and conflicts are starting to get the best of you. This may sound a little silly, but isn’t your marriage worth it? Remember. “Fake it till you make it.” Happy Valentine’s Day!